Saturday, April 2, 2011

What just bit me? Part Two

"I tell ya what girl dance for me"... Motley Crue

Once Upon a Time
I gazed into your Eyes
Dripping with Lust
Forbidding you to Touch

Softly Mesmerizing
Making you Believe
Slowly Hypnotizing
Seduction didn't come Cheap

Easy come, Easy go
Top dollar, High roller
The Rock Star and Stripper
Typical but somehow Mystical

Crawling to Stimulate
Injecting a Fantasy
A Temporary Fix
That was Hard to Quit

We knew the rules
Never Crossed the Lines
an Unspoken Agreement
Somehow Intertwined

Held Captive in a Corner Booth
Two Locks without a Key
You were Addicted
I was deeply Devoted

Your Heartbeat kept me Alive
Wings upon your Shoulders
Fluttering from my Eyes
Together as we began to Fly

Intense Heat
Exploding with Color
A Sense of Peace
In the Glimmer of Night

As I became Your SONG...

and You became My DANCE.

YES, the Rumor is True... I was Once a Caterpillar.

Let me rewind this for a moment.  Throughout the 1980's Hollywood was ALIVE and you could feel the energy in the city.  Music dominated the streets of LA.  I grew up in a Christian home.  My parents were very generous and allowed many of the struggling musicians to eat, stay, play and LIVE in our home.  They always taught us to give love and help others, that are in need.

For years I would pray this same prayer... "Jesus, I want to see others through Your eyes!  I want the love and compassion in me that is found in You."

By the 1990's most of the bands had been signed to labels and were touring. I ended up moving to the country or so I thought.

How I ended up as an Exotic Dancer at the age of 25 or the circumstances that led me there, don't really matter.  I'm not here to glamorize what I did nor am I ashamed of who I was, because I now know... WHO I AM!

"Champagne wishes and Caviar Dreams." ~Robin Leach

Throughout the 90's it seemed like the tables had suddenly turned.  Now I was the one up onstage and the Rock Stars were in the crowd.  I had to learn how to hustle and become a taker, which went against everything that was instilled in me.

My stage name was 'Tahnee' and I was considered a top dollar girl, a STRONG girl, or a top THREE. 'The Butterfly' or 'Champagne Queen' is what they would call me.  I was being solicited by other club owners in town but I never accepted their offers.  I was loyal and worked exclusively, for one particular club owner, the entire time I was dancing.

It's interesting how fast we can become STARS in our own eyes.  I never had an addiction to drugs or alcohol but I soon found myself becoming addicted to the money.  It never seemed to be enough.

My plan was to save up and go back to school.  I was a Certified Paralegal prior to dancing, so I wanted to finish my law degree and secure my future. But we will often times squander what we don't value.

"Tell me what it takes to let you go"... Aerosmith

It was the first weekend back in February 1998.  I had just turned 30 years old, a few months prior in the month of November.

I was in the dressing room that Friday evening, as I glanced up at the clock. I noticed it was almost midnight and I began to think about my life as a dancer...

Yes, I may have been in the wrong place but that didn't mean Jesus loved me (or anyone else that was there), any less.  I found TREASURE in that place and what I saw was real people struggling with real life issues.  The girls weren't all hookers, drug addicts and drunks and the men weren't all perverts, losers and creeps.

Some of our greatest discoveries are found in our darkest moments in life. God answered the very prayer that I had prayed for many years and I found love and compassion for others, through His eyes.

What I realized during these years as a dancer is how VULNERABLE all of us really are.  It doesn't matter how famous someone is or how much money they have.

All of us need AFFIRMATION and need to feel VALUED for WHO we are and not just for what we have, or what we do.  Everyone is searching for LOYALTY and LOVE.

I learned that men need to feel honored, respected, supported and loved. They need to be the King of their Palace.

I also learned that women need provision, they need to feel beautiful, sexy, secure and loved.  They need to feel like they are the Queen in the Palace.

"Tell me how the pain's supposed to go"... Aerosmith

As I looked into the mirror, my reflection was staring back at me as if it was saying... "What are you doing here, what happened to all of your dreams, this is not your life, you don't belong here."

I knew that I needed to get out of there but I didn't know how?!  I couldn't imagine making less money in an entire week, then what I was making in one night, dancing.  I hadn't worked a real job in years.  I never saved up enough money and I never went back to school.  I would have to move back home to LA and start over.

It would cost me more than I could have ever imagined and I'm not speaking about the money, either.  I knew that I would have to walk away from all of my friends and everyone that I loved.  It was too painful for me, to even think about.

Fear STRIPPED me and held me.  I was so scared and I felt completely TRAPPED.

I heard the DJ begin my introduction and I headed down the stairs towards the stage.  As he announced my name, I walked out onto the stage, closed my eyes and began to pray...

"God, Who am I?  Who have I become and who am I supposed to be?  I will walk away, if you give me a sign and show me... that you still love me."

The song was only half way over, when I heard the DJ start to speak over the song...

"Tahnee, hold up, hold up a minute... Look who just blew into town and is in the house tonight... he just threw down a buck fifty ($150.00), and is in the mood for a slow dance tonight... One more dance Butterfly... then head on up to VIP... your champagne is waiting."

I thought, I can't believe x is here?  Ok that's random, this is just a coincidence.  But when the song started to play and I heard him begin to whistle... I knew that it wasn't!

As I danced and listened to his voice, I felt something so SACRED burn inside of me.

My temperature began to rise, as my blood became a kindled FIRE...

I couldn't hold back the tears.

I knew this was my last DANCE.

You SEE... In Jesus' eyes we are all BUTTERFLIES.

That night... I let go of the POLE and grabbed ahold of the CROSS.

Sometimes you need to be turned Upside down
In order to SEE, right side Up.

To be continued...


bennjamin said...

Wow, Farfalla. I didn't know this. But I love you all the more. (A good friend of mine wrote me today, saying: "I don't need a lover - I need someone to love me"... that's the kind of love I'm talking about;-)

I have a lot of ex-strippers and ex porn stars on my friends list on myspace and facebook. I always find these people are so courageous. And they still love glamour up to some point - most of them! I sometimes wondered why that would be (and some christians would say: you must burn your books - an allusion to magicians who, after converting, burned their books).

But I think the truth is always more versatile. These friends don't throw away the glamour, if they realize this is part of the domain where they can save lives, or at least approach people in, for instance, the sex industry, with some real love in mind. And this is of course also true in the world of artists, musicians. I believe this is perfectly Christian, and what God is looking at is of course what's in our hearts (minds).

There is usually nothing wrong with paying attention to how we look, and so on. Christians should be more relax in those tings. (So if I meet another Christian fundamentalist tomorrow, I'll send him your way for education! Hahaha - just kidding).

It's okay to write about this stuff. This is the reality of human life. We need to deal with it.

It occurs to me that you often insert video's from Guns 'n' Roses. I have learned to appreciate Axl, profoundly so. Unfortunately, it's also something that has hurt me (not Axl's fault though, rather my own) - but still, I have come to know a thing or two about who Axl really is, what kind of guy, and I can only sit down and wonder. He's an exceptional person, smart, wise, and kind.

I'll get back here to re-read, because it's late now. But this was a great read.


Mary Hudak-Collins said...

Lisa, this was really inspirational as to what you can do no matter where you are at, or what situation you are in. I am awaiting the conclusion:)

alejandro guzman said...

To know what you are doing and to be comfortable with t is awesome as long as you are doing it for the right reasons. If it was just the money then that isn't a true reason for being there but if it makes you feel fulfilled and happy well yes.

I don't just come here for the pictures even though it's a bonus lol
Cheers A

Jorie Pacli said...

I truly admire you for this.... it takes a lot of courage to share this to everyone.... Our shortcomings may be a many but hey they give true courage in us and your story is just one of the many examples.... I also have sacrificed so much in life....It may not be the same situation as you have but I know exactly how it feels.... But the most valuable lesson I learned from it is that it made me stronger and a true fighter in times of adversities... Cheers to you.... never be ashamed of who you are... cause only you knows who exactly you are....

Farfalla Dreams ~ Lisa Marie Farfalla said...

@Mary Thank you for your kind words and encouragement. I truly appreciate it.

@Alejandro Guzman Thank you for the compliment and for understanding. Sometimes we find ourselves in a situation, that we never thought we would have ever been in. The key is to learn from it and take the treasure out of it. ;)

Farfalla Dreams ~ Lisa Marie Farfalla said...

@jcmmanuel Thank you so much!!! I agree with you!

It's hard for Christian's to accept anything that has to do with the sex industry, they are more comfortable with drug/alcohol addiction and such.

But how do we help people that are in it, stuck or need hope, in this area... if we are unwilling to talk about it?

It wasn't easy for me to share this and I had been going back and forth about it for years. One trick the enemy uses is to keep us bound to our past.

I decided to lay down my fear/pride and allow God to turn it into a message and testimony.

I thank you for taking the time to read and for commenting! ;)

Farfalla Dreams ~ Lisa Marie Farfalla said...

@Jorie Pacli Thank you so much for your SWEET comment and encouragement. Yes, I agree that it does make us stronger. It wasn't easy for me to share this, but I hope it will help others.

I would love to hear your story.

Thank you again!!!

Rachel Hoyt said...

What an AMAZING story! I had a moment in my life where I saw myself as I was, said "THIS ISN'T YOU" and took a scary step towards change. The situation was completely different, but your story would have been a true inspiration to me at that time none the less. :) Thanks for sharing! xoxo

Farfalla Dreams ~ Lisa Marie Farfalla said...

@Rachel Hoyt Thank you for the BEAUTIFUL comment. I pray our stories will be able to help others that are looking in the mirror today and thinking the same thing about their own life.

I truly appreciate your encouragement. ;)


ElizOF said...

Hi Lisa,
This is such a powerful story and I hope you turn it into a book to help others. You are a terrific writer and I hear your music in your words. Keep it up and thank you for stopping by my blog. I'd love to feature you and will send you the details via email.
Have a great weekend!

Rimly said...

Lisa that was amazing. It takes a lot of courage to open up like that. Goes to show what a beautiful person you are.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and experiences, Lisa. There are some professions and circumstances in life that are full of stereotypes, and I for one am interested in the humanity behind the story.

Farfalla Dreams ~ Lisa Marie Farfalla said...

@ElizOF What a SWEET compliment. Thank you so much!!!

I LOVE that you said, you could hear music in my words... that is absolutely BEAUTIFUL!!! Maybe someday it will be a book??? ;)

I look forward to your email.

Thank you again!

Farfalla Dreams ~ Lisa Marie Farfalla said...

@Rimly Thank you for your KIND words and compliment, I truly appreciate it!!! ;)

@sweepyjean AMEN! Thank you for this SWEET comment. I really appreciate it!!!

Anonymous said...

Great story. I love Axl Rose and have been a fan of Guns n Roses for many years. You shed light on how generous of a person Axl is when the media and people make him out to be such a jerk. Thank you for your words they are beautiful as you are. I loved what you wrote in Rose of Roses and I am excited and looking forward to hearing what Axl has in store for us.

Farfalla Dreams ~ Lisa Marie Farfalla said...

Hi Dora, Thank you so much for adding me to Blog-A-Licious. I have visited and will continue to do so. I truly appreciate it! ;)

Farfalla Dreams ~ Lisa Marie Farfalla said...

@Anonymous, Thank you so much for taking the time to read and comment. I truly appreciate your KIND words and encouragement. ;)

Melissa Tandoc said...

What a revelation and turn of events Lisa. I 'feel' this and it's so close to my own story... 'He' is my song too.

You know the 'wave' when it comes to you ~ it overwhelmed me that I just wrote something about fear and choices and decisions to take...

Your story is so gripping. I truly truly feel blessed to know you. I love every word, every truth you wrote in here... It's something that was written a year ago but I think our stories ~ yours ~ are always new.

Grazie tantissimo! I leave this page renewed :)

Farfalla Dreams ~ Lisa Marie Farfalla said...

@melissa: grazie tanto, bella. You brought tears to my eyes! YES, the wave can be overwhelming but so BEAUTIFUL!!! I truly appreciate you and I am blessed to know you, also! Thank you for your words, they mean so much to me!!! ;)

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