"all that is within me
is poured out in this notebook
blood, sweat, tears, lust, love, hate, fear,
you name it
i wrote the song
told you i would
nothing ever have i written
so personal and painful
it's all here for you
brutal and ugly
but you see the beauty"
We have been locked up in this Motel for three weeks writing and last night was the most intense session, we have ever had! I know he was yelling, but I think we are both feeling frustrated. I keep thinking, how is this even possible??? What is written, I can't even describe or put down into
It is like I was taken on this journey... inside his Sanctuary, past the gates of his heart and into the holy of holies, of his soul. I can't describe it and I can't stop crying!
People often quote the saying, "Never criticize a man until you have walked in his shoes," this is hitting my heart like an echo, that is stuck on repeat.
How do we truly know someone, even if we are really close to them? We can't feel what their heart feels, because we haven't lived their life. We can listen, we can cry, we can pray for them, but no matter how much we want to, we can't heal their scars... only God can!
As I am sitting here drinking my coffee this morning, all I can see is this blurred vision of his notebook, sitting in front of me. I feel clouded and my eyes are fuzzy. I can't really seem to concentrate. Maybe I need to get out of this room and get some fresh air or maybe I just need to rest?! All of this mind, heart, and soul searching the past three weeks, has drained me.
I prayed for him most of the morning and then I asked God a few questions...
Why was I given access into his secret place?
What do I do, with something that is of so much value?
You can't put a price tag on someone's heart...
What good is it, if I hold on to it?
Who's words are they anyway?
Mine or his?
We were both here for weeks, writing...
He said that he wrote a new song...
But he also said, that he wanted me to have it...
What do I do, with these precious stones?
"It is sacred, so take your precious stones and create it."
Last night as I was looking through his notebook, I grabbed my dream journal and started flipping through it. We couldn't believe the similarities in what he wrote and what I had dreamt.
Often times when I dream, I will HEAR things that I have never heard spoken before. I am very protective and respectful of the other person in the dream, therefore I just pray for them and ask God for answers.
Some people may disagree with me, but...
I believe, that the words BELONG to the person who either SAID them or WROTE them in my dream. I just need to figure out what I'm supposed to do with them, if anything at all?!
It's easy if I already know the musician or songwriter... I will just pick up the phone or email him and say, "Hey, you said the best line last night in my dream or you sang this lyric." I never want to manipulate him or tell him what to do with those words. What he chooses to do with them, is strictly between him and God. I give them to him, because I believe they BELONG to him.
BUT, at the same time... what happens if I don't know the musician personally? This is where I feel conflicted, stuck, and all of the... "He will think" and "He probably," start popping up in my mind...
He will think I'm crazy
He will think I'm a stalker
He will think I'm weird
He probably won't care
He probably doesn't need this
He probably doesn't believe in dreams
He probably... etc. etc.
I could never give something so VALUABLE away to anyone else. So maybe I'm just supposed to hold on to the words and wait???
Ultimately, I believe it comes down to trust! God has entrusted me with these words and I have to trust Him, also.
"You have been faithful over a few things,
I will make you ruler over many things"
Jesus you have touched my lips with diamonds, rubies, pearls and healing stones...
Tell me what I should do with them?!
Here I am... feeling like the richest girl in the world! ;)
I VALUE YOU!!!
Kutless ~ Here I Am
"Take the coal
Touch my lips
Here I am"