Yes, the rumor is true... I was once a caterpillar.
Let me rewind this for a moment. Throughout the 1980s Hollywood was ALIVE,and you could feel the energy in the city. Music dominated the streets of LA. I grew up in a Christian home. My parents were very generous and allowed many of the struggling musicians to eat, stay, play, and LIVE in our home. They always taught us to love and help others that are in need.
For years I would pray this same prayer..."Jesus, I want to see others through Your eyes! I want the love and compassion in me that is found in You."
By the 1990s most of the bands had been signed to labels and were touring. I ended up moving to the country, or so I thought.
How I ended up as an exotic dancer at the age of 25 or the circumstances that led me there don't really matter. I'm not here to glamorize what I did nor am I ashamed of who I was because I now know... WHO I AM!
"Champagne Wishes and Caviar Dreams." ~Robin Leach
Throughout the 90s it seemed like the tables had suddenly turned. Now I was the one up onstage, and the rock stars were in the crowd. I had to learn how to hustle and become a taker, which went against everything that was instilled in me.
My stage name was 'Tawny,' and I was considered a top-dollar girl, a STRONG girl, or a top THREE. 'The Butterfly' or 'Champagne Queen' is what they called me. I was being solicited by other club owners in town, but I never accepted their offers. I was loyal and worked exclusively for one particular club owner the entire time I was dancing.
It's interesting how fast we can become STARS in our own eyes. I never had an addiction to drugs or alcohol, but I soon found myself becoming addicted to working and the money. It never seemed to be enough.
My plan was to save up and go back to school. I was a certified paralegal prior to dancing, so I wanted to finish my law degree and secure my future. But we will often times squander what we don't value.
"Tell me what it takes to let you go"... Aerosmith
It was the first weekend back in February 1998. I had just turned 30 years old a few months prior in the month of November.
I was in the dressing room that Friday evening as I glanced up at the clock. I noticed it was almost midnight, and I began to think about my life as a dancer...
Yes, I may have been in the wrong place, but that didn't mean Jesus loved me (or anyone else that was there), any less. I found TREASURE in that place, and what I saw were real people struggling with real-life issues. The girls weren't all hookers, drug addicts, and drunks, and the men weren't all perverts, losers, and creeps.
Some of our greatest discoveries are found in our darkest moments in life. God answered the very prayer that I had prayed for many years, and I found love and compassion for others through His eyes.
What I realized during these years as a dancer is how VULNERABLE all of us really are. It doesn't matter how famous someone is or how much money they have.
All of us need AFFIRMATION and need to feel VALUED for WHO we are and not just for what we have or what we do. Everyone is searching for LOYALTY and LOVE.
I learned that men need to feel honored, respected, supported, and loved. They need to be the king of their palace.
I also learned that women need provision; they need to feel beautiful, sexy, secure, and loved. They need to feel like they are the queen in the palace.
"Tell me how the pain's supposed to go"... Aerosmith
As I looked into the mirror, my reflection was staring back at me as if it were saying..."What are you doing here? What happened to all of your dreams? This is not your life; you don't belong here."
I knew that I needed to get out of there, but I didn't know how?! I couldn't imagine making less money in an entire week than what I was making in one night, dancing. I hadn't worked a real job in years. I never saved up enough money, and I never went back to school. I would have to move back home to LA and start over.
It would cost me more than I could have ever imagined, and I'm not speaking about the money, either. I knew that I would have to walk away from all of my friends and everyone that I loved. It was too painful for me to even think.
Fear STRIPPED me and held me. I was so scared, and I felt completely TRAPPED.
I heard the DJ begin my introduction, and I headed down the stairs towards the stage. As he announced my name, I walked out onto the stage, closed my eyes, and began to pray...
"God, who am I? Who have I become and who am I supposed to be? I will walk away if you give me a sign and show me that you still love me."
The song was only half way over when I heard the DJ start to speak over the song...
"Tawny, hold up, hold up a minute... Look who just blew into town and is in the house tonight... He just threw down a buck fifty ($150.00) and is in the mood for a slow dance tonight...One more dance, Butterfly... then head on up to VIP... your champagne is waiting."
I thought, I can't believe x is here? Ok, that's random; this is just a coincidence. But when the song started to play and I heard him begin to whistle... I knew that it wasn't!
As I danced and listened to his voice, I felt something so SACRED burning inside me.
My temperature began to rise, as my blood became a kindled FIRE...
I couldn't hold back the tears.
I knew this was my last DANCE.
That night I let go of the POLE and grabbed ahold of the CROSS.
"And when I passed by you and saw you struggling in your own blood, I said to you in your blood, 'Live!' Yes I said to you in your blood, 'Live!'
I made you thrive like the plant in the field; and you grew, matured and became very beautiful. Your breasts were formed, your hair grew, but you were naked and bare.
When I passed by you again and looked upon you, indeed your time was the time of LOVE; so I spread My wing over you and covered your nakedness.
Yes I swore an OATH to you and entered into a covenant with you, and you became Mine, says the Lord God.
Then I washed you in water, I thoroughly washed off your blood, and I anointed you with oil.
I clothed you in embroidered cloth and gave you sandals of badger skin; I clothed you with fine linen and covered you with silk.
I adorned you with ornaments, put bracelets on your wrists, and a chain on your neck.
And I put a jewel in your nose, earrings in your ears, and a beautiful crown on your head.
Thus you were adorned with gold and silver, and your clothing was of fine linen, silk, and embroidered cloth. You ate pastry of fine flour, honey, and oil.
You were exceedingly beautiful, and succeeded to ROYALTY." Ezekiel 16:6-13
corona la farfalla
"stop thinking like a caterpillar, when you're a butterfly"... x
Our conversation...
My mind is in a fog, there's so much going on right now. The roofer just called and said I need to get rid of everything including all of my clothes. And that's not the worst of it, he said they found my doves... they were dead inside my wall. I'm sickened with sadness.
Farfalla, i'm sorry. look sweetheart... don't cry, the important thing is that they got all the mold out of there and you're gonna be ok. someday, you'll have your own 'butterfly farm' and you can have as many doves as you want.
And a vacation home in Italy... haha. Yeah, maybe someday.
right now you need to start connecting all the dots and write this out.
There's way too much information... dates, times, journals, and dreams. It's like the past, present, and future is one BIG puzzle. I can't piece it together.
think about it Farfalla... the caterpillar turns into the butterfly, two shades of purple, tell me about the rainbow dream again...
I had that Dream over three years ago...
We were at a baseball game. I was in the stands and I saw you in the field talking to a stranger. As I started walking towards you I saw the stranger hand you a big jar of honey.
Two people stopped me and they were asking me about you. You were calling me on the phone but I was right in the middle of giving them the dates for your show. I looked at my phone and noticed that you had called me three times.
As I began walking towards you, a rainbow appeared in the sky. It began to twirl and sparkle like colorful diamonds. I fell to my knees and started to cry.
My mom walked up and she touched my shoulder. She told me to look up at the sky and she asked if I had seen both of the rainbows? I told her that I had only seen the One. She said, "One comes before the other."
I stood up as you walked over to me, you wiped my tears with your thumb. You were staring at your thumb and you said, "your tears are a shade of violet"... but I think it was just my eyeshadow running. You held my hand and we started walking through the field.
Why are you asking me about this, now?
who else was there?When I got home there was a little boy there, he was watching TV. He looked like he was about five years old. It was 12:00pm and I asked him if he wanted a sandwich and some milk for lunch. whose boy was it?I don't know... It was the first time I had ever seen him, why?
think about it Farfalla... what's the boys name? What? say his name!What, why?dammit, say it!Ok, ok... his name was Seth. Seth? Yes, his name IS Seth.
Skittles 12.22.07
Guns N' Roses ~ Don't Cry II ~ Alternate Lyrics
If we could see tomorrow What of your plans No one can live in sorrow Ask all your friends
Times that you took in stride They're back in demand I was the one who's washing Blood off your hands
Don't you cry tonight I still love you baby Don't you cry tonight Don't you cry tonight There's a heaven above you baby And don't you cry tonight
I know the things you wanted They're not what you have With all the people talkin' It's drivin' you mad
If I was standin' by you How would you feel Knowing your love's decided And all love is Real
And don't you cry tonight Don't you cry tonight Don't you cry tonight There's a heaven above you baby And don't you cry tonight
I thought I could live in your world As years all went by With all the voices I've heard Something has died
And when you're in need of someone My heart won't deny you So many seem so lonely With no one left to cry to baby
And don't you cry tonight And don't you cry tonight And don't you cry tonight There's a heaven above you baby And don't you cry Don't you ever cry Don't you cry tonight Baby maybe someday
ALTERNATE: to interchange repeatedly and regularly with one another through time or place; rotate.
INTERMISSION: a period during which action temporarily ceases; an interval between periods of action or activity.
#04 Track Don't Cry Original ~ Use your Illusion I
#13 Track Don't Cry II Alternate ~ Use your Illusion II
=17 hehe
"can two walk together, unless they are agreed?"
Farfalla Dreams Interpretation:
BASEBALL = True Worship and America's Family Sport
FIELD= World and Harvest
STRANGER = Angel
HONEY = Anointing and Enlightenment
WALKING = Progress and Led by the Holy Spirit
PHONE = Communication
STOPPED by Two People = Witnesses or Distraction
DATES = Appointed Time
SHOWS = Prophesying in the Gifts of the Spirit or Worship
CALLED 3x's = Message from God
THREE = Complete and Trinity
SKY = Heaven, Creation, and Cycle of Life
RAINBOW = Covenant, Oath, and Promise
DIAMOND = Unique, Shine, Forever
TWIRL = Miracle and Full Circle
KNEES = Submission and Reverence
MOTHER = Source of Love and Kindness
SHOULDER = Support and Strength
TEARS = Prayers, Happiness or Sorrow
VIOLET = Kingship and Royalty
EYE SHADOW RUNNING = Veil Removed
HAND = Strength and Power
THUMB = Imprint and Impression
LOOKING AT OWN THUMB = Vision of your own Impression
RIGHT = Power and Authority of God revealed through Man
Have you ever lost something that was of so much value to you that you searched and searched until you found it?
Have you ever wanted something so bad that you would do anything to get it?
People will often quote the saying, "Be careful what you wish for."
Well, in my case this is somewhat how I felt. It was a few years ago that I had asked God to allow me to SEE deeper into the Spiritual Realm. I wanted to know what was being concealed.
What I began to see was amazing, but at the same time there are things that I saw that were quite frightening.
My dilemma was I really didn't have a clue what I was supposed to do with all that I was seeing?!
Anyway, this past year and a half everything in my life seemed to be going wrong. Those that were closest to me that I had supported and helped for years were all gone. All that I knew... my business, my money, and my friends, all disappeared.
I thought to myself, "I have been here before... I have lost everything in the past, and God restored all of it." I can do this again, I can get through this.
It's interesting... when you don't have anything, then you really don't have anything to lose, right? The STING over the loss of the materialistic stuff didn't seem to hurt me as much as I thought it would. I almost felt as if a weight was lifted off of me. But it was the pain over the loss of those that claimed to be my friends and love me that destroyed me.
It was then that I realized... It's not the bite of the snake, but it's the poison from the venom that will eventually kill you.
Soon after my health began to fail me. I have always been healthy and rarely ever caught a cold. The doctors couldn't figure out why I was sick. I started to think that maybe all of the years I used to smoke had finally caught up with me. I prayed for my health, for my finances, and for my friends. But I became so weak that I could hardly function.
I had never been in this place before.
What was happening to me?
"what the f**k happened? is she alright? i've been trying to call her"... x
I could hear his voice, but I couldn't open my eyes or respond. "Lisa, sweetheart, are you ok? Farfalla, wake up, wake up... can you hear me? get her some water!"
"what is this sh*t?"... As I felt him rip the anklet off my ankle. "sweet butterfly, Tawny, Tawny... i'm right here, wake up, my girl... JESUS, come on Tawny WAKE UP!"He yelled in his stern voice.
Slowly I started to open my eyes, and all I could see was a blurred vision of his boots in front of me. He bent down, kissed me on the forehead, and said, "you need to get out of here."
A few weeks later I was in a motel, and I started to feel a little better. That is when I began to think about that night. I started to wonder why I had only responded when he called me 'Tawny.' No one had called me that in years. I asked God to give me wisdom and revelation...
"don't give up hope in what you see"...x
HELLS BELLS, I finally figured it out... "Nobody's puttin' up a fight." ~AC/DC *Hells Bells Lyrics
WOW! I can't believe it took me almost THREE years to figure this out.
There is no VICTORY without a FIGHT!
I can't conquer what I won't confront!
I need to face it in order to defeat it!
FEAR was the one thing that had me frozen in my tracks.
I had to OVERCOME the fear and start FIGHTING back. I'm not talking about revenge; I'm talking about fighting back with the tools I was given.
I had to fight with everything I knew in order to survive, because all I had was what I BELIEVED in.
I had to put my FAITH into action.
Either this is REAL and I believe it... or I lay here on the ground and BLEED.
You SEE... I figured out that not only am I MARKED by Heaven, but I am also MARKED by Hell.
I am blowing HOLY SMOKE! ;)
"The closer you get to the meaning, the sooner you'll know that you're dreaming." ~Black Sabbath *Heaven and Hell Lyrics
So, what does the Big Bad Snake want with me anyway?
What exactly are Lucifer and I fighting over?
I will share that in Part Two.
P.S. Slithering... Rattling... Yeah, yeah... I HEAR you but not only do I hear you... now I can SEE you too! Rattlesnake Sound Bite
“A Dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight,
